Friend.

I have been trying to think of how I want to approach this topic, as it is very emotional for me and hard to express in words.

But let me first ask this question:

What are valuable and necessary attributes for a friend?

Here is my answer:

• kind
• funny
• compassionate
• loyal
• a good hugger
• empathetic
• unconditional love

(pretty standard of everyone, I assume)

Now here is a new question, 

Are you the kind of friend who possesses these attributes? 

Here are a few words from Marvin J. Ashton,

"There seems to be a misunderstanding on the part of some men today as to what it means to be a friend. Acts of a friend should result in self-improvement, better attitudes, self-reliance, comfort, consolation, self-respect, and better welfare. Certainly the word friend is misused if it is identified with a person who contributes to our delinquency, misery, and heartaches. When we make a man feel he is wanted, his whole attitude changes. Our friendship will be recognizable if our actions and attitudes result in improvement and independence."

When I was in high school, I was never that person who could walk down the hall and every person knew who I was. I didn't value popularity or notoriety and I still don't.

I was the girl who would walk down the hall, see a random student crying in the hall, and go over to see if they were okay. I was the girl who had a handful of friends, all of which would hang out in the band room and eat lunch together. Every person who I had lunch with was someone I genuinely cared about. Many of them have taken their own path for their future and occasionally I will look them up on Facebook to make sure everything is going good. I was known as the sweet, sensitive, caring, compassionate friend who could make anyone laugh and feel better about life. 

When I first came to BYU, my freshman roommate was most definitely not that person who I thought I would become friends with. She was everything I wasn't, but 3 years later, I call her my best friend. 

She is honest, kind, compassionate, witty (literally makes me pee my pants laughing), and wonderful. She drops everything to come see me when I feel less than the dust of the Earth. She, as Elder Ashton stated, helps me improve myself. 

Now comes the hard part. 

2 weeks ago, I had a particularly hard experience occur that has changed my outlook on relationships and expectations. It has made me very emotional and exceptionally sensitive. My roommates noticed the difference and were trying their best to make it easier for me, whether it be the multiple offers of ice cream, or the late night talks that usually ended with me in tears, they tried.

And I have to give them credit for that. They tried. 

My attitude drastically changed and there was a person in my life who didn't know how to handle this change. I was moody and somber rather than peppy and outgoing. I stopped hanging out with some friends and this person asked me a question that I believe was completely inappropriate. 

"I think you have depression. Have you looked up any articles? You should probably go see someone about it. BYU has counselors, but you should call soon. They are booking up fast."

Let me be clear, I have experienced depression and I was not depressed. I do not say that this question was inappropriate because I think Depression is an insult. It is a real thing and I think more people should take it seriously (like this person).

It was inappropriate because this person told me that I needed help rather than helping me.

I needed love and time.

"No one can be a friend until he is known. A friend is a person who will really take the time not only to know us, but to be with us. One of the finest presents you can give anyone is your best self."- Marvin J Ashton

Under the circumstances, and with time, I have come to understand why this person reacted the way that they did. I have since talked with this person and shared with them my feelings and insecurities, and that I am working on improving myself. I recognized my faults and mistakes and my renewed commitment to be better. 

I was so ready to forgive and move on, only to discover that this person had talked about me to another friend, comparing the relationship we had with the relationship that this person had with the other friend. (the difference in length of the relationships is about 2 1/2 years)

This person shared with their friend the things that I had privately discussed. 

Then I was mockingly called a "Fair-Weather Friend".

My first instinct right now is to trash talk and let out all my anger on this individual. I am beyond upset and offended. 

But I am not going to because "it takes courage to be a real friend." And I don't believe trash talking this person is being a friend. 

If you don't know what a fair weather friend is, click here for an interesting article to understand what type of people they are.

For those who know me, I am so NOT that kind of person. 

I am saddened that this person feels that way about me because if they were to actually know me, they would see that I would rather help someone than tell them that they need help. I would drop everything to help them, spiritually, physically, and emotionally. 

"How can we help a friend? An Arabian proverb helps us answer: “A friend is one to whom one may pour out all the contents of one’s heart, chaff and grain together, knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it, keep what is worth keeping, and with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.” Yes, a friend is a person who is willing to take me the way I am but who is willing and able to leave me better than he found me."

Marvin J Ashton

I am far from the perfect friend, but I can promise that I am not the kind of person to drop someone when I think it is inconvenient to be their friend. 

I take this experience as constructive criticism. I will be a better friend. I'm sorry to this individual that you felt like I was only your friend in happy and convenient circumstances. I will always be your friend, no matter what. I am THAT kind of person. 

I hope and pray that you don't feel like "cutting your losses" at the end of the school year, because I will always consider you one of my favorite friends. 

Now for a cheesy Pinterest quote:

xoxo

Feeling Different

I'm not a pessimistic person. In fact, most people would describe me as a sunshiny, bubbly, happy person. 

But I'm going to take a moment to express how different I have been feeling lately.

Ever since my birthday, something has been off. I don't feel the same. I'm not so inclined to be happy. I'm not so encouraged to be nice to other people. I feel like I am just a mean person and that no one really cares about me or about my life. 

I could go on and on about how terrible I feel, but like I said, I'm not a pessimistic person. 

But the last straw was noticing that a girl I visit teach unfriended me on facebook. A girl who I have tried and tried to show love to and serve in ways that only I could do, but it hurt.

I was so confused. Did I do something wrong? I have tried to see her and show her my love for her, but apparently she doesn't see it the way that I do. 

So this is me trying to turn myself around to have a better perspective about everything. 

I watched a Mormon video that helped me. View here.

He said that he needed to get a better perspective, so he asked himself, Who am I?

Who am I?

Right now, even that question is a little difficult to answer.

I am Emily Jex. I am 20 years old. I am trying each and every day. 

I am a child of God. I am the receiver of so many blessings. I am a believer in forgiveness, in the atonement, in my Savior, Jesus Christ. I am a promoter of life, happiness, and fun. I am an enforcer of truth and fairness. I am a lover of family, friends, and hope. 

In no way, shape, or form, am I perfect. 

I am guilty of so much wrong, but I am worthy of so much hope for the future regardless of my past.

Recently, I was accused of talking about my mission too much, but I remember an experience that is so relevant to my life that I don't understand why I wouldn't talk about it.

I was helping with the Trail of Hope, leading a group down the trail, in the dark, using only the lamp I was holding and the light of the moon. At the very end, I had the opportunity to bear my testimony. The Spirit witnessed to me what I needed to say to this group. I talked about how the Lord is mindful of all our needs, of all our worries and weaknesses and wants to be a part of everything we go through. 

When I closed, I watched them walk away, knowing that they were affected by the words that the Spirit conveyed to me that I should say. 

This experience came to mind because I realized that I needed to remember the things that I said to the group for myself. The Lord is mindful of MY needs, all of MY worries and weaknesses and wants to be a part of everything I go through. 

I can do it. I can still be happy and joyful throughout my hard experiences, whatever they may be. 

Even if it feels as though the world is tumbling on top of me, telling me that I am not doing enough and not worthy of love, I know that the Lord is watching out for me and that He loves me. More than any girl I visit teach, more that any guy I may be interested in, more than the world.

Testimony

"You will have all kinds of trials to pass through. And it is quite necessary for you to be tried as it was for Abraham and other men of God; and God will feel after you, and He will take hold of you and wrench your very heart strings, and if you cannot stand it you will not be fit for an inheritance in the Celestial Kingdom of God." - President John Taylor

I have had many experiences this week that have pulled on my heartstrings.

It felt as though the Lord was telling me that I needed to struggle, I needed to go through hard things so I could, in a way, prove to him of my worthiness to achieve the Kingdom of God. 

He knew I could do it. He knew that I had the strength and the capability to overcome my obstacles.

But He also knew that I couldn't do it alone. 

He knew that I HAD to turn to Him and seek His power and grace. I know that I am going through hard things because He wants me to return and live with Him again.

He provided a way for me so that the pain and sorrow from my tender heartstrings wouldn't hurt as bad. He strengthened my back so that I was able to bear all that was placed on me. 

I will continue to be tried and tested. I will meet people who will make me doubt my worth and my potential. I will be confused and afraid.

But I can overcome. Through the power of the Atonement, I can do all things. 

I love this gospel more that life itself. I know my Father in Heaven loves me enough to place trials in my way to test my faith and my dependence on Him. I know I will hurt, but I also know that the happiness and joy will overcome it.

Farewells and Hellos

So my companion in Nauvoo, who has officially become one of my bestest friends, said her farewells in her talk in church today.

She talked about how much Missionary Work means to her and you could just tell that she loves being a missionary for the Lord. Her smile is contagious and I couldn't stop smiling throughout her whole talk. I truly love her.... with ALL MY HEART!

Ain't she just grand?

So my farewell was to her, but my hellos were to a lot of my Nauvoo friends! I saw some people who changed my life and although not everyone was there, I felt their love and miss them continually. It felt like home to be surrounded by people who I grew to be so close to. Their hugs and questions about how my life was doing made me feel on top of the world. Sometimes, that is all that is needed to lift your spirits. 

These people were brought into my life by the Hand of the Lord. My relationships with them were divinely designed. Every moment I have with them means so much to me and I treasure them like a shepherd treasures his sheep.

Life takes us on adventures. Some we don't expect and some we desire to happen, but I have no doubt that the Lord has place in each of our adventures. There is a reason I am living in this apartment complex. There is a reason that I am living with these specific 5 girls. There is reason for my calling. There is a reason that my sister and her husband are still here in Provo (I am SOOOOOOO grateful to them and everything they do for me!) There is a reason that I visit teach certain girls and that I have the certain visiting/home teachers. 

I remember an experience in Nauvoo where I was having an extremely difficult time and I kept asking the Lord why. I told Him that I knew I was in Nauvoo for a reason, but I wanted to know why.  It was so overwhelming to me that I couldn't play in one of the concerts and I literally faked my way through the entire thing then ran to the bathroom to cry my eyes out. I needed to know why but I wasn't getting the answers that I wanted. 

That night I talked to some really special sisters and then sat in the kitchen and wrote down everything that I had learned while in Nauvoo and the things I was grateful for. Then I said a prayer and I wrote my prayer down. It was one of the most amazing expereineces because I got my answer that I didn't need to really know anything because I have already learned so much. 

Nauvoo was a pivotal turning point in my life and I can't wait for the next journey. The Lord has prepared me in ways I had no idea He would. How grateful I am to Him for all He has done for me. 

The people in Nauvoo are apart of my life.... even if they don't think they are, they are. 

I love all of them soooo much!

I'm Back!

Ok so I have been gone for a bit, but now I am back with some new thoughts.

My brother got married this past weekend. (hip hip hooray!)

I am so happy for him and his future with Greta. Yup. Her name is Greta and she is GREAT. (hee. see what I did there?) Their wedding was simple and easy going, just like them! How convenient.

Well, being at a wedding, I couldn't help but to think about what my wedding would look like.
I mean there is a big list to go off of:

• colors
• which temple
• reception place
• time
• who to invite
• photos
• flowers
• license
• the dress
• what i want my hair to look like

But talking to my mom, these things mean nothing if I don't have a man. and well, I don't have one.

whoops.

Well, why don't I have a man? C'mon, Em, get your head in the game. All your friends are tying the knot. Let's get going here.

I would, if I could.


Here are some of my thoughts as of late.

I really want a man in my life and I feel as though I am ready for one. My dating life is pretty much nonexistent so I have no idea where to even begin. Is he in my ward? Have I already met him? Was he in Nauvoo? How do I find him?
POP!
Okay, I don't need to find him. He will find me, or at least the Lord will lead us to one another. But when? When will I know if it is him?
POP!
You don't need to know.
But still, c'mon! At least lemme have some dates. Why am I not having any dates?
POP!
Men like women who are confident and smart and beautiful and witty and kind and sweet. Well, I am all those things right?


The fact that that statement was a question is the answer to a lot of my issues.

When I get ready in the morning, sometimes I feel good, sometimes I feel like crap. Well that's normal. But if a guy were to come up to me and tell me that I looked pretty that day, especially if it was a day that I felt bad, I wouldn't believe him. Why?

Because I didn't believe it myself.

That is something that I have struggled with my entire life.

It was always about my looks and the way I appeared to others. And to be completely honest, it is still that way today. Somewhere in the back of my head, I think, I need to look good according to the world's standards.

Alright. I am almost 20 years old and I still have trouble with the way the world looks at me and how I look to the world.

What am I doing about it now?
Every morning, I kneel down and say my morning prayers, welcoming in the new day, praying for positive experiences and attitudes. During the day I tell myself that I love the way I look. I don't look down at my legs and feet when I walk, but I walk with my head squarely on my shoulders. I continue to think about the goals that I have made for that day, week, month, year, etc. It keeps me hopeful for the future and it reminds me that I am going somewhere. I eat healthy and try to exercise when I can. I close my day with a prayer of gratitude and thanksgiving for the day that I had, no matter how bad it may have felt, I still find things to be grateful for.

It is not easy. But I am taking it day by day and hoping and trusting that the Lord will take care of me and my future man. (he is out there. i know it.)

I didn't actually need the batteries...

So I had an amazing experience today.
The sort of experience you read about in books or hear a general authority tell.
and I can call it my experience.

So here is how it starts.



My statistics class requires an iclicker for all the in class quizzes and such. I already had one, but I had to register it again online. When I got home, I saw that it was out of batteries. "Flip!" Now I had to remember to buy some Double A batteries after my D&C class the next day (which is quite difficult.... so many things to remember....).

So I go to class and when I leave, I make sure I leave through the other exit so I can head towards the Bookstore. I am just walking, minding my own business while trying to navigate the overpacked hallway, when I hear someone say "Emily?" I turn to see my friend who I haven't seen in a year. It feels weird to say that, but really I think it has been a year since I have seen her face to face.....

Anyway, we step off to the side to avoid the massive migration of people. We hug, we laugh, and we just talk. It was so wonderful. She started asking me a lot about Nauvoo. It made me so happy to talk about it. None of my roommates ask me about it so I never really get to talk about it and in a way, relive the experiences I had.

While I was describing to her all the things I did, I recalled a moment when I was watching the Stage Missionaries perform and I thought of my friend. I remember thinking that it would so cool if she came and did this the next summer. So I told her of my memory. When I said it, she was very excited and happy and she wanted to know more. So we meandered over to the bookstore continuing catching up and stuff.

We stood in line to buy the batteries..... let me just comment on the RIDICULOUS pricing BYU has. 5 dollars for a package of 4 batteries. Wow, just wow! Anyway..... After I bought them, we found some seats and sat down and just talked. We talked about missionaries, old roommates, friends, boys, majors, future plans, etc. Ya know, everything girls talk about. :)

Well, when we talked about future plans, she mentioned her consideration of performing in Disney World or Sea World, but she hadn't really decided. I told her the url address to find the audition information for Nauvoo and said that auditions are due sometime in November.... I kept telling her that her future was up to her. And I shared with her something that I learned while in Nauvoo.

The Lord takes into consideration our desires, what we want for our future. If those desires are righteous and in accordance with His plan for us, then He will make a way for us to achieve it. He doesn't throw out what we want. I told her that if she wanted to perform in Walt Disney World more than anything else, and the Lord thought it was okay, then she is going to be performing there.

I have no doubts that she will make the decision that is best for her, even if it isn't Nauvoo. But my side of the experience was amazing.

After we said goodbye, I called my mom for the day and told her of this experience. While I was telling her what happened, I got the chills, and I was outside in the heat. It was the "Whoa" chills sensation. You probably have no idea what that is, but it felt so good. I stopped and told my mom that I had the chills just by telling her the story.

When I made it home, I opened my batteries and tried to put them in only to find out that it required Triple A batteries, which I already had.

The Lord works in mysterious ways. No doubt about it.

Whatever decision she makes, it will be the one that God wants her to take. He will provide a way for her and I am confident she will do great, wherever she goes. And I can be grateful for the experience that I had that testified to me that God is grateful for my service to Him in Nauvoo and He knows that my testimony of my experience is strong.

Coming to an End

So this is the official last week of school.... well finals week.
Then it's all done.
No more school.
or tests.
or apartment living.
or waking up at 3:50am.

It's all done.

I haven't really had a moment where I thought "Oh wow, I am going to miss all of this...."

But it will be bittersweet.
A farewell and good wishes to everyone I have met here at BYU my first year.

So as tribute to all the love in our apartment, we had our pictures taken, by none other than the wonderful Alissa.

Some will not be shown due to embarassing-ness or just plain awkward....

dude. I have never been able to take a jumping picture ever.... and I am pretty sure I beasted this one.

check out the booty on that blondie..... oh wait that's me.... ;)

This is one of my favorite people ever. I love her to death and am so grateful for her friendship!

This was the most painful picture ever!!! But oh so worth it.

I don't think I would be the person I am right now if it wasn't for these wonderful girls. I will miss them, but they have wonderful opportunities ahead of them.

PS don't forget I now have 11 days til I leave!!!!! AH!

And the results are in....

Well folks,
I received my "status update" from the school of music concerning my audition....

Unfortunately, I was not accepted to the school of music this year.

I can't say that I am happy about that outcome, but for some strange reason I am getting over it pretty quickly. (just don't ask me about it and I won't cry)

So now what.

















Honestly, I don't know.


















I know that this happened for a reason.  Maybe I'm not ready yet.  Maybe I need more practice.  Maybe I am supposed to go into a different major.....











I don't know.







I really thought this way my year.....

But then in my Polynesian Dance class, we have this little thought that the TA gives in Hawaiian before class starts.  Today it was about trying your best and working hard.  Then we are asked to give our own thoughts about the thought.

I raised my hand and said this," I think if we try our best in this life we can't be punished.  I mean, we have done all that we can do.... why should we regret anything we do because somehow, in the end, we become better people."

I don't know if this was my own little inspirational thought for myself after I found out, but it sure is helping.
Also, this song from EFY helped too.

Fear

What is it like to really be afraid?

Not the "oh, I am afraid of spiders".

But the type of fear that takes over your body. Makes you shake. You can't sleep. It feels as though you are completely lost.

It doesn't happen very often to me. But when it does, I remember who I am and the blessings I have been given to overcome those fears.

I just recently had my BYU school of music audition.  I was nervous, but it is ok to be nervous before an audition, in fact, it is healthy.  But it is still an audition. I had this type of fear come over me....

This audition isn't like the ones I have had before.  Because, if I don't make it, I have no idea what I will do with the rest of my college career. I don't know what I want to do. The French Horn is my love. It is the one thing that I always felt I could excel in.

But when I came home from my audition, I was greeted by my roommate who asked if I was going to the ward party.  Getting my mind off of the worries and having fun with my friends saved me a lot of tissues.

I say this time and time again because I firmly believe it to be true, but things happen for a reason.  If I don't get accepted into the school of music, then I know that there is something out there for me that is better.

There has to be something better out there for me if I don't get in, right?

This is just the thoughts of my mind and my heart.
I hate waiting.

If this doesn't make you believe it, I don't know what will!

It isn't fate.  It isn't destiny.
It is just how things were meant to happen.

I was in band class.  Elder Brague came up and began discussing an opportunity we could have to serve as a performing missionary in Nauvoo, IL. I thought, "Ya know, that would be kinda cool..... Sure, why not?"

Then as the deadline approached, I thought I should probably get practicing... hahaha.... I worked with my teacher and practiced on my own.  Then I planned how I would film myself.  In my kitchen using my laptop.  I mean, I didn't have any resources to go anywhere else.... Unfortunately, my laptop wasn't working and I was freaking out.  So my lovely roommate suggested I use a camera.... (wow em, seriously? haha) She spent about an hour to film me, I will always be eternally grateful. After several takes, I thought, I guess that is the best I can do.......

I mailed it in and prayed it would get there in time, and it did! Then I waited..... and waited..... not knowing and honestly, I wasn't too worried.  I wanted to know, but I wasn't at the point where I would die if I wasn't finalist, that sort of thing....

Then I got the email saying I was a finalist and my interest significantly rose...  I thought, "I filmed myself in my kitchen and they still want to hear me??" haha I was in disbelief, but it made me want to really work for this call back audition which was Jan 5th.  Literally 2 days ago.

I worked for my audition.  I practiced.  I worked my mind, telling myself I could do it and these people really WANT to hear me. (I was still doubting that they had emailed the right girl....) When I went to the audition, I was sitting waiting to go warmup, thinking I had a good 30 min, but nope.  5 min passed and I was asked to warm up for the audition.  I was like, OK.  I bent over to pull up my tights and of course I rip a huge run and a hole in them.....

I said, this is a sign bad luck, isn't it????  People laughed thinking I was being funny, but I was SERIOUS!

I warmed up and felt good.  When I went into the audition the people there were these cute little old men.  I talked with them and they were so NICE!  It made me very comfortable, but my audition itself.... eh. I have done better.

Then they had a luncheon for all the auditioners...  That is what changed my whole perspective.  They had past missionaries come and bear the testimonies.  I remember one girl said, "ya know, you are here for a reason.  Whether it be to meet certain people, or be invited into the program or at least have the experience of auditioning. But you are here for a reason."

They sang songs and I felt the spirit so strong.  I knew without a doubt this was something I WANTED! No longer an opportunity, but something I really wanted.

That night was spent saying a lot of prayers.  I realized something as well.
God doesn't plan out our entire life.  "Oh that girl was meant to drink that soda." No.  Those are our choices.  But after we have made choices and tried and made efforts, then He exercises His power in our life.

I made the choice to take the information paper and learn about this program.
I made the choice to film myself for the audition DVD. (and i didn't give up when my laptop didn't work out)
I made the choice (with the help of my sis and bro in law) to go to SLC and do the call back audition.
I made the choice to practice.
I made the choice to say my prayers and ask for help.
I made the choice to accept whatever the outcome would be.

Then. And only then did God put forth His hand and allowed for this opportunity to come to me.

Everything happens for a reason.

If you don't believe it, then re-read my story.
I auditioned in a college kitchen.  Bad video quality and I wasn't perfect.  I didn't practice much before the SLC audition.  My call back audition was not great..... But I still tried. I still put forth my best effort.

How did I get invited to be a part of this program if I wasn't perfect?
I don't know.... my mind works on the idea that "if you are meant to do something, to meet someone, etc. you will meet them, but only based on the choices you make."

I am so grateful for this chance to go to Nauvoo.  I know it can change my life, only if I let it and I work my BUTT off!

I also expect to see all of you in Nauvoo this summer! :)

Not the Only One

My dad has been out of work since October.
I haven't told ANYONE until last night.
The reaction I got when I shared my personal information was not what I expected or particularly liked.

I didn't tell anyone about my dad being out of work because I didn't want the pity. I don't like being pity because it makes me feel inferior.

So when I tell about my family's situation, I get the response (not spoken) "you probably just want pity, but I am not going to give any emotion to you."

I say family situation, because it is exactly that, a family issue. It's not a roommate issue, nor a work issue.  So I keep it within my family, but the response I got when I made it somewhat of a roommate issue upset me.

I know that people have their own issues, BELIEVE ME! I know!

I didn't expect my roommates to go about talking about my issues without me knowing. I didn't expect some of my roommates to give me a blank stare as if to say, well what do you want me to say?, when I told them. I didn't expect to have one roommate bite back at me that she had that same problem in her family.

Unemployment is becoming more and more prevalent.  It is not a shock anymore to see many people, friends and family deal with that problem.

Although I don't expect pity.  I don't want pity.  But there is a difference between pity and compassion. I didn't feel as if anyone showed compassion to me when I told them.

But I shouldn't expect it. I also shouldn't expect to be the only one with the problem.

I was at work and I was listening to my IPOD on shuffle. I came across this song.

To the roommate who I having the same problem as me and my family.  I'm not the only one. I know you are going through hardships too.  Please know that I know what you are going through.  This life is but a moment in the eyes of eternity.

I am a firm believer in "everything happens for a reason".  I know that there is some reason why my family has had to go through this trial multiple times.  And every time a possible job source comes back to my dad saying no thank you, I just have to remember to have faith. Everything will be ok. I am not the only one.