Feeling Different

I'm not a pessimistic person. In fact, most people would describe me as a sunshiny, bubbly, happy person. 

But I'm going to take a moment to express how different I have been feeling lately.

Ever since my birthday, something has been off. I don't feel the same. I'm not so inclined to be happy. I'm not so encouraged to be nice to other people. I feel like I am just a mean person and that no one really cares about me or about my life. 

I could go on and on about how terrible I feel, but like I said, I'm not a pessimistic person. 

But the last straw was noticing that a girl I visit teach unfriended me on facebook. A girl who I have tried and tried to show love to and serve in ways that only I could do, but it hurt.

I was so confused. Did I do something wrong? I have tried to see her and show her my love for her, but apparently she doesn't see it the way that I do. 

So this is me trying to turn myself around to have a better perspective about everything. 

I watched a Mormon video that helped me. View here.

He said that he needed to get a better perspective, so he asked himself, Who am I?

Who am I?

Right now, even that question is a little difficult to answer.

I am Emily Jex. I am 20 years old. I am trying each and every day. 

I am a child of God. I am the receiver of so many blessings. I am a believer in forgiveness, in the atonement, in my Savior, Jesus Christ. I am a promoter of life, happiness, and fun. I am an enforcer of truth and fairness. I am a lover of family, friends, and hope. 

In no way, shape, or form, am I perfect. 

I am guilty of so much wrong, but I am worthy of so much hope for the future regardless of my past.

Recently, I was accused of talking about my mission too much, but I remember an experience that is so relevant to my life that I don't understand why I wouldn't talk about it.

I was helping with the Trail of Hope, leading a group down the trail, in the dark, using only the lamp I was holding and the light of the moon. At the very end, I had the opportunity to bear my testimony. The Spirit witnessed to me what I needed to say to this group. I talked about how the Lord is mindful of all our needs, of all our worries and weaknesses and wants to be a part of everything we go through. 

When I closed, I watched them walk away, knowing that they were affected by the words that the Spirit conveyed to me that I should say. 

This experience came to mind because I realized that I needed to remember the things that I said to the group for myself. The Lord is mindful of MY needs, all of MY worries and weaknesses and wants to be a part of everything I go through. 

I can do it. I can still be happy and joyful throughout my hard experiences, whatever they may be. 

Even if it feels as though the world is tumbling on top of me, telling me that I am not doing enough and not worthy of love, I know that the Lord is watching out for me and that He loves me. More than any girl I visit teach, more that any guy I may be interested in, more than the world.

Testimony

"You will have all kinds of trials to pass through. And it is quite necessary for you to be tried as it was for Abraham and other men of God; and God will feel after you, and He will take hold of you and wrench your very heart strings, and if you cannot stand it you will not be fit for an inheritance in the Celestial Kingdom of God." - President John Taylor

I have had many experiences this week that have pulled on my heartstrings.

It felt as though the Lord was telling me that I needed to struggle, I needed to go through hard things so I could, in a way, prove to him of my worthiness to achieve the Kingdom of God. 

He knew I could do it. He knew that I had the strength and the capability to overcome my obstacles.

But He also knew that I couldn't do it alone. 

He knew that I HAD to turn to Him and seek His power and grace. I know that I am going through hard things because He wants me to return and live with Him again.

He provided a way for me so that the pain and sorrow from my tender heartstrings wouldn't hurt as bad. He strengthened my back so that I was able to bear all that was placed on me. 

I will continue to be tried and tested. I will meet people who will make me doubt my worth and my potential. I will be confused and afraid.

But I can overcome. Through the power of the Atonement, I can do all things. 

I love this gospel more that life itself. I know my Father in Heaven loves me enough to place trials in my way to test my faith and my dependence on Him. I know I will hurt, but I also know that the happiness and joy will overcome it.

Day 8

Today has been one heck of a day.
Lots of good things and a lot of hard things.

Today I am grateful for all the hard things in my life. I am grateful for my difficulties, my shortcomings, my failures.

When I learn about the bad in my life, it helps me to appreciate the good.
I let go of the bad in my life. All my weaknesses, trusting in my God that He will make me stronger if I turn my will over to his.

When it feels like all hope is lost...

Some days are harder than others.

I guess that is just life. I want to have every day be wonderful, full of optimism and hope, but the world around us is all about negativity and failure. Even at BYU, we are still connected to the world.

Today was just plain ugly.

1. I broke a mug at work. It didn't belong to me and it was my fault that I broke it. I felt so terrible that I broke something that belonged to someone else and had no idea who they were so I could make it right. 
2. I am not doing so great at these stat quizzes anymore. And I don't know why. 
3. I find it hard to write a 600 word paper. (probably because I haven't had to write a paper in a long time)
4. My friend stole my paper topic. And ya, it doesn't matter because there are probably people who chose my topic too, but just the idea that I told her my topic, then she went and wrote her paper on the same person.
5. My apartment reminds me of a pigsty. Tons of flies swarm the leftover food sitting in dishes.

So how to counter all this negativity and pessimism?


To quote a favorite movie of mine, We Bought A Zoo,  "Sometimes all you need is 20 seconds of insane courage -- 20 seconds of embarrassing bravery and I promise you something great will come of it."


So that is what I made of my day. 20 seconds of insane courage, a forever of waiting, and a successful ending.

Almost there....

My day today.

3:40am Wake Up for work

8:00am go back to the apt and work on:

• Newspaper Project for Geography
• Extra Credit Assignment for Geography
• Essay for Living Prophets
• Read 8 general conference talks
• Print everything

10:00 am Go to Living Prophets class

11:00 am Go to Geography Class

12:00 come home and work on ABC story

1-1:30 ASL lab

1:30 get ABC story printed

2:00 Practice for Recital tonight

2:30 make copies for pianist

3:00 practice with accompianist

4:00 go to ASL class

5:00 eat dinner

5:15 practice for recital

6:00 sit down

6:15 go to HFAC for recital

8:00pm Come home and sleep.

I don't even want to know what tomorrow looks like.
At least it is almost over.
It's been great, but lesbi-honest...... (heh. movie quote)

On the bright side, 18 DAYS! I am in the TEENS!!!

Who, What, When, Where, Why

I like it when I have the answers to everything, especially math problems!
But I am not supposed to have them all.

My dad is still out of work. Almost 6 months now and after many, many interviews, there is nada.
They tell him that he is one of the higher ranking candidates, but yet, he doesn't get it.
Why?

He has been interviewing for jobs from Washington to California to Ohio to Delaware and Maryland. But none have chosen this amazing man,
So, Where?

Every company has an idea of the type of person they want to hire, and most of the time, my dad has met those expectations.
Who do they want?

6 months.....
When is something going to happen?

What is the best thing for him and our family?

                                                                                                                                                                   

Ok, now, forget I said any of that.

It's not about the who, the what, the when, the why, or even the How.
It's about trusting in the Lord.
Staying humble so His spirit can provide inspiration and peace to our minds.

This isn't the first time my dad has lost his job. I wouldn't say we are used to it, but it is no new situation for us.

On Sunday, we had a little Hall meeting with all the girls in my building. Unfortunately, not a lot of girls came, so they missed out on some really great insights.

We watched Elder Holland's Mormon Message "Good things to Come".

We talked afterwards about how we need to stay patient at all times and humble so the Lord can always bless us.

I had this thought about a story I read and my mom always told it to me. In the story, it refers to God as being the 4th watch God.

Well what does that mean?

Well they would describe it as such. On a boat, they men would take turns staying awake and letting the others sleep.  These would be divided into what was called as "Watch's". They lasted about 3-4 hours. Well, on the boat, there was a terrible storm, and the men were so worried. They thought the Lord would come and save them right away, but alas, He did not. Each watch passed as slow as it could have possibly gone and right at the moment, when almost all hope was gone, in the 4th watch, the Lord came and rescued them.

My God is a 4th watch God. He will come. My family may still be stuck on the 1st watch, but there will always be a 4th watch, which means, He will ALWAYS come.

It is hard. It is painful to see how hard it is.
But it will pass.

you got nothing on this.

doing hard things.
it can be hard.


but nothing in your life is as hard as this.

thanks to my stake president, i feel like i can do hard things.