Something that should have happened a LONG time ago.

We always have that feeling- that deep pang of regret.
It always finds us. We can't run away from it.
Wanna know why?
Because we all want to be good people, better people, people who can say that they learned something and that they overcame their difficulties.

I hate regret.
I tell myself that I am not going to regret doing something, that I am going to follow through til the end. Well, here is something I should have done a long time ago.
I told myself that I would always feel a certain way, no regret.
Well, I am sitting on my couch, watching old Grey's Anatomy episodes, regretting.

To a friend that I still really love and miss a lot:
No one tells you what to say or how to act when something bad happens. You get to be in charge of your own actions. Unfair? No. Smart? Ehh.... Right? Yes.
Here is something about me you should know (well, if you really know me, then you already know this, but I will tell you anyway....):
I am a "knee jerker". An emotional reactant. Someone who has not learned the art of thinking before speaking, or in a particular case, typing. It all just comes out without any control and I HATE it.
You have no freaking idea how much I LOATHE how I react without taking any regard to the people around me and how they might be feeling. I try. Please believe me when I say that I try to not do it.
I remembered every feeling that night.

• Anger
• Passion
• Loneliness
• Hate
• Sorrow
• Confusion
• More Anger
• More Hate
• Scared
• REALLY Scared
• Pain
• Aching in every inch of my body- I couldn't even sleep that night.
• Anger
• Pride
• Emptiness

All in one night. And it didn't stop.
It continued every night.

And then I made it right. And for a moment, there was HOPE. Because someone who I thought would never forgive me, did.
My friend, I was forgiven, but still hurt by you.
I got your text and thought to myself, "Really? This is all I get? Gosh, this person really never cared about me...."
That is what I thought. And I am sitting on my couch, hating myself for not calling you the moment I got your text and telling you how sorry I was.
I am hating myself you letting you leave on your mission without telling you my favorite mission scripture. I regret not going to the temple with you before you went into the MTC. That was something I wanted to do REALLY bad.
You meant a lot to me, and you always will.
I am sorry, my friend, for allowing regret to happen. I am sorry for holding grudges and feeling prideful when all I wanted was to be loved by you as a friend, a close friend.
There is so much more I would want to talk to you about, but for right now, please know that I am sorry.
I am letting go of so much that has been inside of me.
The Savior wants to forgive.
I was forgiven of things by someone who I can call a best friend now. I felt undeserving of their love, and eternally grateful for their forgiveness.
So my friend, I speak directly to you,
I forgive you.
-EmJay

Day 4

I didn't grow up in poverty, nor did I lead a life of luxury and money. Instead, I lived a life where practical financial decisions were made. My parents didn't splurge on trivial items that wouldn't last. Instead, the money was spent on family things, like going out to eat or going to the movies.

I remember sometimes asking my mom if I could join a sports team and her reply was to the effect that I would most likely give up and she didn't want to spend the money for me to give up.

Ya know, they say that hindsight is always 20/20. I look back and sometimes wish my mom would have let me go out for a sports team so I could understand the nature of failing and getting back up again. The 90 dollars seems so unimportant in comparison to the life lessons I could have learned.

Why is it that now, as a college student, my finances are so important to me that they affect my relationships with others?

I could say that it was because my parents said no to a lot of things that I asked for because of the money.
or
I could say that my dad told me to start saving for college at a young age. (I worked in the cafeteria in middle school and earned about 20 dollars a month- that was the start)
or
I could say that I realize that money is pertinent to living in this society.

Don't you agree?

Even if you want to go anywhere, the gas prices alone could make you bankrupt.

My brother calls me stingy.
My parents say I worry too much.
My sister thinks my education is more important.

They are all right.
But I have reason to.

I don't have any scholarships. I don't work full time. I live in a cheap housing facility and yet my bank account reads lower than my IQ. I have considered on several occasion, getting a second job, but most of the time that would require a car, which I cannot afford AT ALL.

To live is expensive.


If life were but a dream
maybe it would all seem
to go my way 
and I may never dismay

To worry is to die
for time just passes by
with my mind racing
and my body pacing

I don't want to live
where all I have to give 
is everything temporal
when I need everything spiritual

Facing the world
with my hair fancy and curled
I say, 
Okay

I will give
I will take
I will share
I will make

For what I need to do
The Lord will help me too.


Today I am grateful for my job. It has been the best thing I could have ever asked for this past year and a half. It's not the wonderful career that I am going to put on my resume, but it has taught me about life and putting aside my natural man.

Inspiring

"I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles."
Audrey Hepburn

Shout Out!

So this post is all about my sister.

Cali.

Tomorrow she will be running a marathon. Her first marathon. EVER.

That is a big deal folks! I mean how many of you can say that you have run over 26 miles.

Well Cali will be running 26.2 miles and she will be rocking it every step of the way.
Keep her in your prayers that she will be able to do it. I have total confidence in her.

YOU ROCK CALI!

(it was really cute, she dedicated each mile to someone who has helped her some time in her life and then asked that person to give her a couple songs so when she hears the song she will think of that person)

So this was the song I picked for her and I really think it fits perfectly. :)

I'm Back!

Ok so I have been gone for a bit, but now I am back with some new thoughts.

My brother got married this past weekend. (hip hip hooray!)

I am so happy for him and his future with Greta. Yup. Her name is Greta and she is GREAT. (hee. see what I did there?) Their wedding was simple and easy going, just like them! How convenient.

Well, being at a wedding, I couldn't help but to think about what my wedding would look like.
I mean there is a big list to go off of:

• colors
• which temple
• reception place
• time
• who to invite
• photos
• flowers
• license
• the dress
• what i want my hair to look like

But talking to my mom, these things mean nothing if I don't have a man. and well, I don't have one.

whoops.

Well, why don't I have a man? C'mon, Em, get your head in the game. All your friends are tying the knot. Let's get going here.

I would, if I could.


Here are some of my thoughts as of late.

I really want a man in my life and I feel as though I am ready for one. My dating life is pretty much nonexistent so I have no idea where to even begin. Is he in my ward? Have I already met him? Was he in Nauvoo? How do I find him?
POP!
Okay, I don't need to find him. He will find me, or at least the Lord will lead us to one another. But when? When will I know if it is him?
POP!
You don't need to know.
But still, c'mon! At least lemme have some dates. Why am I not having any dates?
POP!
Men like women who are confident and smart and beautiful and witty and kind and sweet. Well, I am all those things right?


The fact that that statement was a question is the answer to a lot of my issues.

When I get ready in the morning, sometimes I feel good, sometimes I feel like crap. Well that's normal. But if a guy were to come up to me and tell me that I looked pretty that day, especially if it was a day that I felt bad, I wouldn't believe him. Why?

Because I didn't believe it myself.

That is something that I have struggled with my entire life.

It was always about my looks and the way I appeared to others. And to be completely honest, it is still that way today. Somewhere in the back of my head, I think, I need to look good according to the world's standards.

Alright. I am almost 20 years old and I still have trouble with the way the world looks at me and how I look to the world.

What am I doing about it now?
Every morning, I kneel down and say my morning prayers, welcoming in the new day, praying for positive experiences and attitudes. During the day I tell myself that I love the way I look. I don't look down at my legs and feet when I walk, but I walk with my head squarely on my shoulders. I continue to think about the goals that I have made for that day, week, month, year, etc. It keeps me hopeful for the future and it reminds me that I am going somewhere. I eat healthy and try to exercise when I can. I close my day with a prayer of gratitude and thanksgiving for the day that I had, no matter how bad it may have felt, I still find things to be grateful for.

It is not easy. But I am taking it day by day and hoping and trusting that the Lord will take care of me and my future man. (he is out there. i know it.)

shielded

echoes of my past entice my thoughts of today.

i cannot hide from them, for they are a part of me.

forgotten memories hidden from the mind.

they enter freely, as if there is no one to stop them.

how to stop.... how to make it all disappear.

they cannot go away, for they are a part of me.

let them in. 

sink deep within.

learn.

remember.

then, let them drift.

EJ