Friend.

I have been trying to think of how I want to approach this topic, as it is very emotional for me and hard to express in words.

But let me first ask this question:

What are valuable and necessary attributes for a friend?

Here is my answer:

• kind
• funny
• compassionate
• loyal
• a good hugger
• empathetic
• unconditional love

(pretty standard of everyone, I assume)

Now here is a new question, 

Are you the kind of friend who possesses these attributes? 

Here are a few words from Marvin J. Ashton,

"There seems to be a misunderstanding on the part of some men today as to what it means to be a friend. Acts of a friend should result in self-improvement, better attitudes, self-reliance, comfort, consolation, self-respect, and better welfare. Certainly the word friend is misused if it is identified with a person who contributes to our delinquency, misery, and heartaches. When we make a man feel he is wanted, his whole attitude changes. Our friendship will be recognizable if our actions and attitudes result in improvement and independence."

When I was in high school, I was never that person who could walk down the hall and every person knew who I was. I didn't value popularity or notoriety and I still don't.

I was the girl who would walk down the hall, see a random student crying in the hall, and go over to see if they were okay. I was the girl who had a handful of friends, all of which would hang out in the band room and eat lunch together. Every person who I had lunch with was someone I genuinely cared about. Many of them have taken their own path for their future and occasionally I will look them up on Facebook to make sure everything is going good. I was known as the sweet, sensitive, caring, compassionate friend who could make anyone laugh and feel better about life. 

When I first came to BYU, my freshman roommate was most definitely not that person who I thought I would become friends with. She was everything I wasn't, but 3 years later, I call her my best friend. 

She is honest, kind, compassionate, witty (literally makes me pee my pants laughing), and wonderful. She drops everything to come see me when I feel less than the dust of the Earth. She, as Elder Ashton stated, helps me improve myself. 

Now comes the hard part. 

2 weeks ago, I had a particularly hard experience occur that has changed my outlook on relationships and expectations. It has made me very emotional and exceptionally sensitive. My roommates noticed the difference and were trying their best to make it easier for me, whether it be the multiple offers of ice cream, or the late night talks that usually ended with me in tears, they tried.

And I have to give them credit for that. They tried. 

My attitude drastically changed and there was a person in my life who didn't know how to handle this change. I was moody and somber rather than peppy and outgoing. I stopped hanging out with some friends and this person asked me a question that I believe was completely inappropriate. 

"I think you have depression. Have you looked up any articles? You should probably go see someone about it. BYU has counselors, but you should call soon. They are booking up fast."

Let me be clear, I have experienced depression and I was not depressed. I do not say that this question was inappropriate because I think Depression is an insult. It is a real thing and I think more people should take it seriously (like this person).

It was inappropriate because this person told me that I needed help rather than helping me.

I needed love and time.

"No one can be a friend until he is known. A friend is a person who will really take the time not only to know us, but to be with us. One of the finest presents you can give anyone is your best self."- Marvin J Ashton

Under the circumstances, and with time, I have come to understand why this person reacted the way that they did. I have since talked with this person and shared with them my feelings and insecurities, and that I am working on improving myself. I recognized my faults and mistakes and my renewed commitment to be better. 

I was so ready to forgive and move on, only to discover that this person had talked about me to another friend, comparing the relationship we had with the relationship that this person had with the other friend. (the difference in length of the relationships is about 2 1/2 years)

This person shared with their friend the things that I had privately discussed. 

Then I was mockingly called a "Fair-Weather Friend".

My first instinct right now is to trash talk and let out all my anger on this individual. I am beyond upset and offended. 

But I am not going to because "it takes courage to be a real friend." And I don't believe trash talking this person is being a friend. 

If you don't know what a fair weather friend is, click here for an interesting article to understand what type of people they are.

For those who know me, I am so NOT that kind of person. 

I am saddened that this person feels that way about me because if they were to actually know me, they would see that I would rather help someone than tell them that they need help. I would drop everything to help them, spiritually, physically, and emotionally. 

"How can we help a friend? An Arabian proverb helps us answer: “A friend is one to whom one may pour out all the contents of one’s heart, chaff and grain together, knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it, keep what is worth keeping, and with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.” Yes, a friend is a person who is willing to take me the way I am but who is willing and able to leave me better than he found me."

Marvin J Ashton

I am far from the perfect friend, but I can promise that I am not the kind of person to drop someone when I think it is inconvenient to be their friend. 

I take this experience as constructive criticism. I will be a better friend. I'm sorry to this individual that you felt like I was only your friend in happy and convenient circumstances. I will always be your friend, no matter what. I am THAT kind of person. 

I hope and pray that you don't feel like "cutting your losses" at the end of the school year, because I will always consider you one of my favorite friends. 

Now for a cheesy Pinterest quote:

xoxo

Something that should have happened a LONG time ago.

We always have that feeling- that deep pang of regret.
It always finds us. We can't run away from it.
Wanna know why?
Because we all want to be good people, better people, people who can say that they learned something and that they overcame their difficulties.

I hate regret.
I tell myself that I am not going to regret doing something, that I am going to follow through til the end. Well, here is something I should have done a long time ago.
I told myself that I would always feel a certain way, no regret.
Well, I am sitting on my couch, watching old Grey's Anatomy episodes, regretting.

To a friend that I still really love and miss a lot:
No one tells you what to say or how to act when something bad happens. You get to be in charge of your own actions. Unfair? No. Smart? Ehh.... Right? Yes.
Here is something about me you should know (well, if you really know me, then you already know this, but I will tell you anyway....):
I am a "knee jerker". An emotional reactant. Someone who has not learned the art of thinking before speaking, or in a particular case, typing. It all just comes out without any control and I HATE it.
You have no freaking idea how much I LOATHE how I react without taking any regard to the people around me and how they might be feeling. I try. Please believe me when I say that I try to not do it.
I remembered every feeling that night.

• Anger
• Passion
• Loneliness
• Hate
• Sorrow
• Confusion
• More Anger
• More Hate
• Scared
• REALLY Scared
• Pain
• Aching in every inch of my body- I couldn't even sleep that night.
• Anger
• Pride
• Emptiness

All in one night. And it didn't stop.
It continued every night.

And then I made it right. And for a moment, there was HOPE. Because someone who I thought would never forgive me, did.
My friend, I was forgiven, but still hurt by you.
I got your text and thought to myself, "Really? This is all I get? Gosh, this person really never cared about me...."
That is what I thought. And I am sitting on my couch, hating myself for not calling you the moment I got your text and telling you how sorry I was.
I am hating myself you letting you leave on your mission without telling you my favorite mission scripture. I regret not going to the temple with you before you went into the MTC. That was something I wanted to do REALLY bad.
You meant a lot to me, and you always will.
I am sorry, my friend, for allowing regret to happen. I am sorry for holding grudges and feeling prideful when all I wanted was to be loved by you as a friend, a close friend.
There is so much more I would want to talk to you about, but for right now, please know that I am sorry.
I am letting go of so much that has been inside of me.
The Savior wants to forgive.
I was forgiven of things by someone who I can call a best friend now. I felt undeserving of their love, and eternally grateful for their forgiveness.
So my friend, I speak directly to you,
I forgive you.
-EmJay

Knowledge is UNLIMITED!

Here is my reiteration of the 13th article of faith. No looking- I promise!

"We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed we may say that we follow to admonition of Paul, we believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report, or praiseworthy, we seek after these things."

I drove home from BYU on Thursday morning. All by myself..... and it was so much FUN! Blasting music, eating junk food, and the lone road.
I got home to find welcoming parents and a very attractive bed.
I went crazy and unpacked pretty much everything. My mom came up to me with a little cute smile on her face, which means she has something exciting to tell me.
Her surprise?









2 Tickets to the performance of WICKED!!!!


Now let me just say, my whole family saw this musical in LONDON ENGLAND without me. So this was sooooo exciting for me! My mom told me the story of how her visiting teaching companion had two extra tickets and just gave them to my mom! Just like that!
Well, what a beautiful performance and we had wonderful seats thanks to our new friend.

Thinking about the requirements for this experience, I was filled with appreciation for not only the performers and their talent, but the message of the play.
-Love
-Friendship
-Honesty
-Courage
-Accountability
-and more LOVE
Sometimes when we do something, it can be perceived by others in a way that we never intended it to me seen or recognized. Our intentions were true and honest, but the perception of others would say differently. How then do we fix it?

As I have had my own experiences similar in nature to those of Elphaba, where people don't understand me or the things I do, or even I don't understand why some people say what they say or do what they do, I have had this phrase come into my head on multiple occasions.
"Give each other the benefit of the doubt."
Glinda had her heart broken because of something that Elphaba did that she didn't understand. But when she put aside those hard feelings and remembered that she loved Elphie, that she was her best friend, those feelings that tore them apart disappeared and there was love and kindness.

How grateful I am for the experiences that I have been having that have led me to learn and grow. I know that the Lord is leading on a path that will only bring me more happiness.

Next Experience

Knowledge Value Experience #3

Memorize Article of Faith number thirteen and recite it to a parent, a leader, or another adult. Then visit a museum or exhibit or attend a performance that involves dance, music, speech, or drama. Using this article of faith as a guide, evaluate what you saw and heard. In your journal write your thoughts about how you can use this article of faith as a guide for all you do so the Holy Ghost will be your constant companion. Share those thoughts with a parent or leader.

I am coming up on finals week, so I don't know when I will finish this one. But I will keep working on it!!!!

A Silly Little Thing

Yesterday I decided to go donate plasma before I went to work the WBB vs Gonzaga. I had to wear my work clothes because I would be walking all the way to the Marriott Center from plasma. I got dressed and walked to plasma. I was wearing shoes that were newer and I could feel the pain begin to tingle on me heels from the shoes, but it was fine. I made it there, donated, collected my money, and began my trek to the Marriott Center.
That's when the real pain began.
Apparently, blisters had formed on my heels while I was donating and when I started to walk back, I tore the skin, so the tender, red skin was being rubbed against the back of my cute converse.
It was utterly painful.
I called my dad and needed him to distract me while I tried to walk/limp/hop/skip/run/crawl to my destination. He was trying to make me laugh, but honestly, I HURT!
And I'm not just being a baby.
I hung up the phone with my dad, said a prayer that I would be able to make it there without any severe difficulty, then a sweet miracle happened.

I was crossing the street when a car honked at me. I turned to see a guy that I work with, but don't know very well through the window. He rolled down the window and asked if I was headed to the Marriott Center. I said yes, and he said to hop in!
He told me that he saw my work shirt and knew that I was headed to the game. I didn't tell him that I literally couldn't walk anymore, but I did convey my sincere gratitude for the ride. I grabbed some bandaids and wrapped up my sores.
Alone, I said a prayer of gratitude that my Heavenly Father would be so aware of me, that He would send someone to help me get to work because even He knew I couldn't walk.

It is the little things in my life that remind me of the love that my Heavenly Father has for me. I don't have big spontaneous miracles happen in my life. Instead, I feel like I get a better deal. He gives me experiences that lead me right back to Him. Whether it be a car that picks me up to go to the temple or work, or seeing someone who gives me a hug when I needed love, or even to see that I can make it this year financially. They all lead me back to him. I have been blessed to witness little miracles in my life.
When I was in Nauvoo, we would call them Nauvoo miracles. The little things that helped our testimony and our love for one another.
He knows all of us.
He loves all of us.
He is aware of all our needs and will bless us with things that we need.
I love Him.

Memory Lane

I had a flashback today of an experience in high school that affected me and changed my idea of who I wanted to be.

I was a part of Student Leadership my freshmen and sophomore years.  It defined me and I LOVED all the people and the things that I learned. There were many difficult moments, probably some of the reason why I struggled in high school, but I have to say that it led me to be the person that I am today.

So every week, a class (freshmen, sophomore, junior, senior) would teach a lesson of sorts. Whether it be an activity or watching a movie, or something along those lines, it would teach us a lesson to help us become better leaders.

It was the sophomore's day to do the lesson. They wanted to teach a lesson on honesty.

Every person had a yellow sheet of paper with their name on it.

We then would pass it around and write our honest feelings about the person.
In that moment, we all thought it was a great idea. I mean, we all struggle with our honest feelings and this was a way to help us express them.

Well, turns out, it was just an opportunity to insult every single person anonymously.
No accountability for telling the person what you really think of them.

I was at fault and I will completely fess up to that. I took advantage of some hurt feelings and emotions and wrote them down. But there were a lot of positive things that I wrote as well.

But when I got mine back and read it, I remember feeling like someone grabbed my throat and I couldn't breathe anymore. I left class in tears, tore up my sheet of paper, and shoved it in the trash can.

But when I was thinking about this experience in the car today, I remember reading a note by someone that said,
"Don't listen to any of these comments. They aren't true."

It is so easy to only remember the fear and bad feelings. Why isn't it easier to remember the hope and the good.

I knew right away who this person was and I remember him always being there for me. He was my best friend and I am so grateful for his kindness, especially when those who I thought were my friends were not so kind to me.

This experience taught me to toughen up. To grow a shell and not be so easily hurt.

Then came the next sophomore lesson.
Instead of honesty notes, they wanted to do what they called, "Golden Bricks".
Everyone got the same yellow paper as last time and we all wrote the things that we loved about the person on them. It was wonderful and a great turn around experience for me.

But remembering this experience in the car made me think of my friend.
I miss him a lot.
He helped me see that the comments that were written on my honesty paper did not matter. I was not the person that they were calling me and that I was more valuable than that.

I want to be that person that tells people that other people don't matter.
Their comments do not define us.
They only have power if we give them power.

One of the sisters I served with in Nauvoo taught me a wonderful and eternal lesson when it comes to communication.
Before you say something, ask yourself,

Is it true?

Is it nice?

Is it necessary?

It really makes a difference when you ask those questions to yourself. Most of the time, the things you will say will mean more and have a more positive influence on those around you.

Day 24

Today I am grateful for pinterest.

In this past week I have made about 5 different pinterest dishes all of which have been PERFECT! (well one is in the oven right now....) I am so proud of myself for trying new things and rediscovering my love for cooking and baking.

When I was in elementary school, all I wanted to be when I grew up was a chef. I wanted to cook flamboyant things and have my own cooking tv show. All I ever watched on tv was cooking shows.

But it was hard cooking at my age. I was still young that my mom didn't want to trust me in the kitchen. But I always remembered asking to help make dinner or food, and all I can recall is my mom telling me no. I understand, I mean I was 10 wanting to make the turkey for thanksgiving.

I didn't have enough experience. But I look back now and think, the only way to gain experience is to try and fail and try again. I love to cook.

Right now there is a brown sugar cake in the oven with a brown sugar buttery sauce on the stove. My hopes are high and I believe it will turn out GREAT!

Cross your fingers.

Any maybe keep an eye out on the cooking channel for me. ;)

Day 17

Today I am grateful for the testimonies of others.

In Relief Society today, we were talking about how each of us has seen God's love for us in our day to day lives. There were many different ways, whether it be the beautiful nature or our families or how He has helped us overcome our weaknesses. Then one girl said that she could see the evidence of God's love for her by all of the experiences the other girls shared. To be able to see how God has blessed the lives of others only increases the ability to see God's love in our own life.

You just have to have the right perspective.

Some people might feel as if God doesn't love them and He loves everyone else.

But that is not true.



God loves everyone.
Everyone deserves love.
I can honestly testify of God's love. He is always there for us and He cares about who we are and the type of people we become.

I believe it to be true with all of my heart.