Feeling Different

I'm not a pessimistic person. In fact, most people would describe me as a sunshiny, bubbly, happy person. 

But I'm going to take a moment to express how different I have been feeling lately.

Ever since my birthday, something has been off. I don't feel the same. I'm not so inclined to be happy. I'm not so encouraged to be nice to other people. I feel like I am just a mean person and that no one really cares about me or about my life. 

I could go on and on about how terrible I feel, but like I said, I'm not a pessimistic person. 

But the last straw was noticing that a girl I visit teach unfriended me on facebook. A girl who I have tried and tried to show love to and serve in ways that only I could do, but it hurt.

I was so confused. Did I do something wrong? I have tried to see her and show her my love for her, but apparently she doesn't see it the way that I do. 

So this is me trying to turn myself around to have a better perspective about everything. 

I watched a Mormon video that helped me. View here.

He said that he needed to get a better perspective, so he asked himself, Who am I?

Who am I?

Right now, even that question is a little difficult to answer.

I am Emily Jex. I am 20 years old. I am trying each and every day. 

I am a child of God. I am the receiver of so many blessings. I am a believer in forgiveness, in the atonement, in my Savior, Jesus Christ. I am a promoter of life, happiness, and fun. I am an enforcer of truth and fairness. I am a lover of family, friends, and hope. 

In no way, shape, or form, am I perfect. 

I am guilty of so much wrong, but I am worthy of so much hope for the future regardless of my past.

Recently, I was accused of talking about my mission too much, but I remember an experience that is so relevant to my life that I don't understand why I wouldn't talk about it.

I was helping with the Trail of Hope, leading a group down the trail, in the dark, using only the lamp I was holding and the light of the moon. At the very end, I had the opportunity to bear my testimony. The Spirit witnessed to me what I needed to say to this group. I talked about how the Lord is mindful of all our needs, of all our worries and weaknesses and wants to be a part of everything we go through. 

When I closed, I watched them walk away, knowing that they were affected by the words that the Spirit conveyed to me that I should say. 

This experience came to mind because I realized that I needed to remember the things that I said to the group for myself. The Lord is mindful of MY needs, all of MY worries and weaknesses and wants to be a part of everything I go through. 

I can do it. I can still be happy and joyful throughout my hard experiences, whatever they may be. 

Even if it feels as though the world is tumbling on top of me, telling me that I am not doing enough and not worthy of love, I know that the Lord is watching out for me and that He loves me. More than any girl I visit teach, more that any guy I may be interested in, more than the world.

Day 21

Today I am grateful for the advice my mom gave to me today about the power of peace.

When we can find peace within ourselves, knowing that we are doing all that we can do, it is amazing the miracles that can come from it.

President Heber J. Grant described the Savior’s peace this way: “His peace will ease our suffering, bind up our broken hearts, blot out our hates, engender in our breasts a love of fellow men that will suffuse our souls with calm and happiness.”

When I choose to let go of all the pain that is weighing on my mind and my heart, I can then feel of the peace that has always been there for me.


I have learned that our Heavenly Father only wants to bless us. He only wants to help us in this journey called life.He leads us in the direction that He feels is best. (which most of the time is the best path for me) But He also takes into consideration the desires of our hearts. And He will give us those things based on our personal righteousness and obedience.


We all long for peace. Peace is not just safety or lack of war, violence, conflict, and contention. Peace comes from knowing that the Savior knows who we are and knows that we have faith in Him, love Him, and keep His commandments, even and especially amid life’s devastating trials and tragedies. The Lord’s answer to the Prophet Joseph Smith in Liberty Jail brings solace to the heart:

“My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;

“And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high.”

I'm Back!

Ok so I have been gone for a bit, but now I am back with some new thoughts.

My brother got married this past weekend. (hip hip hooray!)

I am so happy for him and his future with Greta. Yup. Her name is Greta and she is GREAT. (hee. see what I did there?) Their wedding was simple and easy going, just like them! How convenient.

Well, being at a wedding, I couldn't help but to think about what my wedding would look like.
I mean there is a big list to go off of:

• colors
• which temple
• reception place
• time
• who to invite
• photos
• flowers
• license
• the dress
• what i want my hair to look like

But talking to my mom, these things mean nothing if I don't have a man. and well, I don't have one.

whoops.

Well, why don't I have a man? C'mon, Em, get your head in the game. All your friends are tying the knot. Let's get going here.

I would, if I could.


Here are some of my thoughts as of late.

I really want a man in my life and I feel as though I am ready for one. My dating life is pretty much nonexistent so I have no idea where to even begin. Is he in my ward? Have I already met him? Was he in Nauvoo? How do I find him?
POP!
Okay, I don't need to find him. He will find me, or at least the Lord will lead us to one another. But when? When will I know if it is him?
POP!
You don't need to know.
But still, c'mon! At least lemme have some dates. Why am I not having any dates?
POP!
Men like women who are confident and smart and beautiful and witty and kind and sweet. Well, I am all those things right?


The fact that that statement was a question is the answer to a lot of my issues.

When I get ready in the morning, sometimes I feel good, sometimes I feel like crap. Well that's normal. But if a guy were to come up to me and tell me that I looked pretty that day, especially if it was a day that I felt bad, I wouldn't believe him. Why?

Because I didn't believe it myself.

That is something that I have struggled with my entire life.

It was always about my looks and the way I appeared to others. And to be completely honest, it is still that way today. Somewhere in the back of my head, I think, I need to look good according to the world's standards.

Alright. I am almost 20 years old and I still have trouble with the way the world looks at me and how I look to the world.

What am I doing about it now?
Every morning, I kneel down and say my morning prayers, welcoming in the new day, praying for positive experiences and attitudes. During the day I tell myself that I love the way I look. I don't look down at my legs and feet when I walk, but I walk with my head squarely on my shoulders. I continue to think about the goals that I have made for that day, week, month, year, etc. It keeps me hopeful for the future and it reminds me that I am going somewhere. I eat healthy and try to exercise when I can. I close my day with a prayer of gratitude and thanksgiving for the day that I had, no matter how bad it may have felt, I still find things to be grateful for.

It is not easy. But I am taking it day by day and hoping and trusting that the Lord will take care of me and my future man. (he is out there. i know it.)

I didn't actually need the batteries...

So I had an amazing experience today.
The sort of experience you read about in books or hear a general authority tell.
and I can call it my experience.

So here is how it starts.



My statistics class requires an iclicker for all the in class quizzes and such. I already had one, but I had to register it again online. When I got home, I saw that it was out of batteries. "Flip!" Now I had to remember to buy some Double A batteries after my D&C class the next day (which is quite difficult.... so many things to remember....).

So I go to class and when I leave, I make sure I leave through the other exit so I can head towards the Bookstore. I am just walking, minding my own business while trying to navigate the overpacked hallway, when I hear someone say "Emily?" I turn to see my friend who I haven't seen in a year. It feels weird to say that, but really I think it has been a year since I have seen her face to face.....

Anyway, we step off to the side to avoid the massive migration of people. We hug, we laugh, and we just talk. It was so wonderful. She started asking me a lot about Nauvoo. It made me so happy to talk about it. None of my roommates ask me about it so I never really get to talk about it and in a way, relive the experiences I had.

While I was describing to her all the things I did, I recalled a moment when I was watching the Stage Missionaries perform and I thought of my friend. I remember thinking that it would so cool if she came and did this the next summer. So I told her of my memory. When I said it, she was very excited and happy and she wanted to know more. So we meandered over to the bookstore continuing catching up and stuff.

We stood in line to buy the batteries..... let me just comment on the RIDICULOUS pricing BYU has. 5 dollars for a package of 4 batteries. Wow, just wow! Anyway..... After I bought them, we found some seats and sat down and just talked. We talked about missionaries, old roommates, friends, boys, majors, future plans, etc. Ya know, everything girls talk about. :)

Well, when we talked about future plans, she mentioned her consideration of performing in Disney World or Sea World, but she hadn't really decided. I told her the url address to find the audition information for Nauvoo and said that auditions are due sometime in November.... I kept telling her that her future was up to her. And I shared with her something that I learned while in Nauvoo.

The Lord takes into consideration our desires, what we want for our future. If those desires are righteous and in accordance with His plan for us, then He will make a way for us to achieve it. He doesn't throw out what we want. I told her that if she wanted to perform in Walt Disney World more than anything else, and the Lord thought it was okay, then she is going to be performing there.

I have no doubts that she will make the decision that is best for her, even if it isn't Nauvoo. But my side of the experience was amazing.

After we said goodbye, I called my mom for the day and told her of this experience. While I was telling her what happened, I got the chills, and I was outside in the heat. It was the "Whoa" chills sensation. You probably have no idea what that is, but it felt so good. I stopped and told my mom that I had the chills just by telling her the story.

When I made it home, I opened my batteries and tried to put them in only to find out that it required Triple A batteries, which I already had.

The Lord works in mysterious ways. No doubt about it.

Whatever decision she makes, it will be the one that God wants her to take. He will provide a way for her and I am confident she will do great, wherever she goes. And I can be grateful for the experience that I had that testified to me that God is grateful for my service to Him in Nauvoo and He knows that my testimony of my experience is strong.

A quote that changed my life

“Give me all of you!!! I don’t want so much of your time, so much of your talents and money, and so much of your work. I want YOU!!! ALL OF YOU!! I have not come to torment or frustrate the natural man or woman, but to KILL IT! No half measures will do. I don’t want to only prune a branch here and a branch there; rather I want the whole tree out! Hand it over to me, the whole outfit, all of your desires, all of your wants and wishes and dreams. Turn them ALL over to me, give yourself to me and I will make of you a new self---in my image. Give me yourself and in exchange I will give you Myself. My will, shall become your will. My heart, shall become your heart.” 

― C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

Sometimes I think we can forget that the Atonement is more than just being able to be clean again.  It can give us strength to overcome the scariest of trials. His grace is sufficient.  We can become the people He needs us to be, but only if we give Him our self. Our imperfect self. 

I have experienced this firsthand. I can't deal with everything on my own. If I do, then I will fall. 

There was a song that we played in Nauvoo called "Pennsylvania 65000". The French Horn section had this big soli part that was very difficult to master. I spent 2 hours on this section with no improvement. I felt so discouraged. I thought to myself, "I know how to play this instrument. I know what this part is supposed to sound like. Why can't I just put it together??? Why?" We went to dinner that night and when we came back for evening rehearsal I said a prayer. I told my Heavenly Father that I have done all that I can do. I feel so discouraged. Please help me. Take it from me and help me. I reread that entry in my journal. I read how that evening rehearsal was one of the best rehearsals I have had. Pennsylvania 65000 was one of my favorite songs by the time I left. 

Something as simple as not being able to play a part in a song, He took care of it.

 

I'm HOME

Well folks,
this is me! Emily Jex back from the beautiful city of Nauvoo!

It's amazing how different I can be in just 3 1/2 months.

I know so much more!

What else can I say except this:
I know that God lives. He loves us and is so mindful of us. His hand is in our lives and it's there for a reason. I know we cannot succeed in this life without Him and our Savior, Jesus Christ. Our Savior, our Redeemer, our Friend, our Brother, and our Advocate did the most unselfish thing. As one of my friends quoted "He lowered himself to the lowest point of human existence so we could be exalted to the highest state of immortality." He knows us so well because He knows EXACTLY what we have gone through.

I won't say it has been easy being back. I miss Nauvoo and all the busy-ness of the days. But one missionary shared that in order to understand Nauvoo and the saints who lived there, you need to leave it. Leave it all behind. I have just an idea of what the Saints left when they crossed the Mississippi. But they didn't do it alone.  I have gained a testimony of angels and their strong power. Elder Jeffery R. Holland said, "...in times of special need, He sent angels, divine messengers, to bless His children, reassure them that heaven was always very close and that His help was always very near..." I know that angels are here right now, bearing us up in our day to day trials and afflictions. Not one trial goes overlooked or unknown to our Heavenly Father.

I know that not only were the pioneers protected by angels but they were led by a living prophet, Joseph Smith. He, being only 14 years old, prayed for an answer and received something much greater. The Father and His Son visited Joseph. Two Heavenly beings talked with a young boy and led him in the ways of righteousness.  Joseph Smith was a true prophet of God. He restored the true and everlasting gospel and because of him I have the privilege of being a part of this true church. He sacrificed so much for this gospel. I will always remember what he suffered so we could have the fullness of the gospel in our lives today. Because of him, we have the Book of Mormon, another testament of Jesus Christ. It's pages only reaffirm the truth of the gospel. By reading its pages we can feel closer to our Savior and feel His love for us.

I had the experience of a lifetime. I wouldn't have had it any other way. The city beautiful is a part of my heart and soul. "Press on, Press on, ye saints of God" ("Though Deeping Trials") I know that this church is true. I wear it on my sleeve and live it conspicuously. I love my Heavenly Father and I love my Savior. I know by the power of the Holy Ghost that this church is the true and everlasting gospel brought forth in these latter days to help us return and live with our Father in Heaven again.
I invite those who do not know for themselves to read the Book of Mormon and ponder the challenge that Moroni leaves us the Moroni 10:3-5. Pray. Ask God if these things are true.
I bear my witness to you,
in the sacred name of Jesus Christ,
Amen.

One Special Night

So last night, I had the most magnificent opportunity to enter into the House of the Lord.
My family accompanied me through, and I can say that it was wonderful.

I have so many things to learn.  But I know that with the Lord on my side, I can do all things.

Some pictures to show my happy night.

What a night.
I love this gospel.

Who, What, When, Where, Why

I like it when I have the answers to everything, especially math problems!
But I am not supposed to have them all.

My dad is still out of work. Almost 6 months now and after many, many interviews, there is nada.
They tell him that he is one of the higher ranking candidates, but yet, he doesn't get it.
Why?

He has been interviewing for jobs from Washington to California to Ohio to Delaware and Maryland. But none have chosen this amazing man,
So, Where?

Every company has an idea of the type of person they want to hire, and most of the time, my dad has met those expectations.
Who do they want?

6 months.....
When is something going to happen?

What is the best thing for him and our family?

                                                                                                                                                                   

Ok, now, forget I said any of that.

It's not about the who, the what, the when, the why, or even the How.
It's about trusting in the Lord.
Staying humble so His spirit can provide inspiration and peace to our minds.

This isn't the first time my dad has lost his job. I wouldn't say we are used to it, but it is no new situation for us.

On Sunday, we had a little Hall meeting with all the girls in my building. Unfortunately, not a lot of girls came, so they missed out on some really great insights.

We watched Elder Holland's Mormon Message "Good things to Come".

We talked afterwards about how we need to stay patient at all times and humble so the Lord can always bless us.

I had this thought about a story I read and my mom always told it to me. In the story, it refers to God as being the 4th watch God.

Well what does that mean?

Well they would describe it as such. On a boat, they men would take turns staying awake and letting the others sleep.  These would be divided into what was called as "Watch's". They lasted about 3-4 hours. Well, on the boat, there was a terrible storm, and the men were so worried. They thought the Lord would come and save them right away, but alas, He did not. Each watch passed as slow as it could have possibly gone and right at the moment, when almost all hope was gone, in the 4th watch, the Lord came and rescued them.

My God is a 4th watch God. He will come. My family may still be stuck on the 1st watch, but there will always be a 4th watch, which means, He will ALWAYS come.

It is hard. It is painful to see how hard it is.
But it will pass.

you already know....

so I attended a fireside last night that was specifically for those who were planning on Missionary service by none other than the President of Brigham Young University himself! Cecil O. Samuelson

He told many stories of his youth and his experiences with his journey to prepare for his mission.

One story he told, really impacted me because I almost had the same thing happen to me!

He said how when he was reading the Book of Mormon, he took Moroni's challenge at the end and prayed to know if it was true.  The spirit told him that he already knew the answer.  He shouldn't be praying to know it's true, instead he should be praying for understanding.

A while back, I remember saying my prayers and for some reason, I wanted to ask my Father in Heaven if Joseph Smith was in fact a true prophet. I thought it was a good idea. To my disheartenment, I was told that I already knew the answer and didn't need to be praying about it. He told me He loved me for my desire to have a feeling of confirmation, but I already had it while I learned about the prophet.

I didn't think much about it since til last night. When President Samuelson told that story it made me think about what I know it truth and what I understand.  I know a lot to be true, but I don't understand everything.  I am not supposed to understand everything. But I am supposed to use my knowledge to know and understand more.
That is how I grow.

I know and understand that this gospel is true.  I know and understand that the Book of Mormon was given to us in our day to help us become closer to our Savior and know of a surety that this church is true. I know and understand that the Prophet Joseph Smith restored the Church and its keys on the earth.  I know and understand the God loves me and everyone.  I cannot comprehend the amount of love, but I know and understand it is always there and will never fail.

If this doesn't make you believe it, I don't know what will!

It isn't fate.  It isn't destiny.
It is just how things were meant to happen.

I was in band class.  Elder Brague came up and began discussing an opportunity we could have to serve as a performing missionary in Nauvoo, IL. I thought, "Ya know, that would be kinda cool..... Sure, why not?"

Then as the deadline approached, I thought I should probably get practicing... hahaha.... I worked with my teacher and practiced on my own.  Then I planned how I would film myself.  In my kitchen using my laptop.  I mean, I didn't have any resources to go anywhere else.... Unfortunately, my laptop wasn't working and I was freaking out.  So my lovely roommate suggested I use a camera.... (wow em, seriously? haha) She spent about an hour to film me, I will always be eternally grateful. After several takes, I thought, I guess that is the best I can do.......

I mailed it in and prayed it would get there in time, and it did! Then I waited..... and waited..... not knowing and honestly, I wasn't too worried.  I wanted to know, but I wasn't at the point where I would die if I wasn't finalist, that sort of thing....

Then I got the email saying I was a finalist and my interest significantly rose...  I thought, "I filmed myself in my kitchen and they still want to hear me??" haha I was in disbelief, but it made me want to really work for this call back audition which was Jan 5th.  Literally 2 days ago.

I worked for my audition.  I practiced.  I worked my mind, telling myself I could do it and these people really WANT to hear me. (I was still doubting that they had emailed the right girl....) When I went to the audition, I was sitting waiting to go warmup, thinking I had a good 30 min, but nope.  5 min passed and I was asked to warm up for the audition.  I was like, OK.  I bent over to pull up my tights and of course I rip a huge run and a hole in them.....

I said, this is a sign bad luck, isn't it????  People laughed thinking I was being funny, but I was SERIOUS!

I warmed up and felt good.  When I went into the audition the people there were these cute little old men.  I talked with them and they were so NICE!  It made me very comfortable, but my audition itself.... eh. I have done better.

Then they had a luncheon for all the auditioners...  That is what changed my whole perspective.  They had past missionaries come and bear the testimonies.  I remember one girl said, "ya know, you are here for a reason.  Whether it be to meet certain people, or be invited into the program or at least have the experience of auditioning. But you are here for a reason."

They sang songs and I felt the spirit so strong.  I knew without a doubt this was something I WANTED! No longer an opportunity, but something I really wanted.

That night was spent saying a lot of prayers.  I realized something as well.
God doesn't plan out our entire life.  "Oh that girl was meant to drink that soda." No.  Those are our choices.  But after we have made choices and tried and made efforts, then He exercises His power in our life.

I made the choice to take the information paper and learn about this program.
I made the choice to film myself for the audition DVD. (and i didn't give up when my laptop didn't work out)
I made the choice (with the help of my sis and bro in law) to go to SLC and do the call back audition.
I made the choice to practice.
I made the choice to say my prayers and ask for help.
I made the choice to accept whatever the outcome would be.

Then. And only then did God put forth His hand and allowed for this opportunity to come to me.

Everything happens for a reason.

If you don't believe it, then re-read my story.
I auditioned in a college kitchen.  Bad video quality and I wasn't perfect.  I didn't practice much before the SLC audition.  My call back audition was not great..... But I still tried. I still put forth my best effort.

How did I get invited to be a part of this program if I wasn't perfect?
I don't know.... my mind works on the idea that "if you are meant to do something, to meet someone, etc. you will meet them, but only based on the choices you make."

I am so grateful for this chance to go to Nauvoo.  I know it can change my life, only if I let it and I work my BUTT off!

I also expect to see all of you in Nauvoo this summer! :)