Something that should have happened a LONG time ago.

We always have that feeling- that deep pang of regret.
It always finds us. We can't run away from it.
Wanna know why?
Because we all want to be good people, better people, people who can say that they learned something and that they overcame their difficulties.

I hate regret.
I tell myself that I am not going to regret doing something, that I am going to follow through til the end. Well, here is something I should have done a long time ago.
I told myself that I would always feel a certain way, no regret.
Well, I am sitting on my couch, watching old Grey's Anatomy episodes, regretting.

To a friend that I still really love and miss a lot:
No one tells you what to say or how to act when something bad happens. You get to be in charge of your own actions. Unfair? No. Smart? Ehh.... Right? Yes.
Here is something about me you should know (well, if you really know me, then you already know this, but I will tell you anyway....):
I am a "knee jerker". An emotional reactant. Someone who has not learned the art of thinking before speaking, or in a particular case, typing. It all just comes out without any control and I HATE it.
You have no freaking idea how much I LOATHE how I react without taking any regard to the people around me and how they might be feeling. I try. Please believe me when I say that I try to not do it.
I remembered every feeling that night.

• Anger
• Passion
• Loneliness
• Hate
• Sorrow
• Confusion
• More Anger
• More Hate
• Scared
• REALLY Scared
• Pain
• Aching in every inch of my body- I couldn't even sleep that night.
• Anger
• Pride
• Emptiness

All in one night. And it didn't stop.
It continued every night.

And then I made it right. And for a moment, there was HOPE. Because someone who I thought would never forgive me, did.
My friend, I was forgiven, but still hurt by you.
I got your text and thought to myself, "Really? This is all I get? Gosh, this person really never cared about me...."
That is what I thought. And I am sitting on my couch, hating myself for not calling you the moment I got your text and telling you how sorry I was.
I am hating myself you letting you leave on your mission without telling you my favorite mission scripture. I regret not going to the temple with you before you went into the MTC. That was something I wanted to do REALLY bad.
You meant a lot to me, and you always will.
I am sorry, my friend, for allowing regret to happen. I am sorry for holding grudges and feeling prideful when all I wanted was to be loved by you as a friend, a close friend.
There is so much more I would want to talk to you about, but for right now, please know that I am sorry.
I am letting go of so much that has been inside of me.
The Savior wants to forgive.
I was forgiven of things by someone who I can call a best friend now. I felt undeserving of their love, and eternally grateful for their forgiveness.
So my friend, I speak directly to you,
I forgive you.
-EmJay

The PROS.

tomorrow i am running a 5K.
let's hope for the best.

#runforlife

And the results are in....

Well folks,
I received my "status update" from the school of music concerning my audition....

Unfortunately, I was not accepted to the school of music this year.

I can't say that I am happy about that outcome, but for some strange reason I am getting over it pretty quickly. (just don't ask me about it and I won't cry)

So now what.

















Honestly, I don't know.


















I know that this happened for a reason.  Maybe I'm not ready yet.  Maybe I need more practice.  Maybe I am supposed to go into a different major.....











I don't know.







I really thought this way my year.....

But then in my Polynesian Dance class, we have this little thought that the TA gives in Hawaiian before class starts.  Today it was about trying your best and working hard.  Then we are asked to give our own thoughts about the thought.

I raised my hand and said this," I think if we try our best in this life we can't be punished.  I mean, we have done all that we can do.... why should we regret anything we do because somehow, in the end, we become better people."

I don't know if this was my own little inspirational thought for myself after I found out, but it sure is helping.
Also, this song from EFY helped too.