Fight

This past Sunday I was scheduled to teach Gospel Doctrine. I had plenty of notice and kept putting it off. I had ideas, but never sat down and read the lesson until Sunday morning.

I was so scared of the topic. I was mad at myself for not prepping earlier. I doubted my abilities. I faltered in my faith. I wanted to straighten my hair, but was fearful I wouldn't have enough time to do that and I felt stupid for worrying so much about my looks.

Throughout the morning, my mom saw my struggle and tried to relate the things she was learning from the lesson that she was supposed to teach to me and my lesson. I struggled to see how it related at all. My fear was a solid brick wall that prevented any inspiration or peace from entering my heart.

I went to my room and just cried.

Then my angel mother came into my room, softly whispered "Let's pray".
We knelt at my bed and she offered up a sincere and beautiful prayer to help me.

I felt the spirit, but I also felt the penetrating and paralyzing fear.
My heart was fighting- I wanted the spirit, but the fear was so real. I didn't know what was going on....The adversary was really fighting me and I didn't know how to fight back. I felt as though I was throwing random punches into dark space, sometimes hitting my opponent, sometimes swinging so hard that I knocked myself over.

My mom left and I sat on my bed. I stared at my scriptures and just waited.
Then I began to write.
I wrote out thoughts and scriptures and questions that I wanted to ask.

I finished and was able to do my hair and makeup and then I left for church, giving my mom and hug goodbye. She said "you'll be in my prayers".

I felt her prayers. I stood in my class and began.....it didn't go exactly as planned, but there were so many inspiring and insightful comments that made the discussion so GOOD. I felt the spirit as I bore witness of the power of bearing testimony and being worthy of the spirit. We talked about how we need to always have the spirit with us. Then someone made the comment that always having the spirit with us isn't as easy as we make it out to be.
 I loved that comment because it isn't, but we know the blessings that come from having the spirit and those promises should be enough for us to fight for the spirit.

The class was full of comments and I felt so worthy of the spirit as I bore testimony which only made me feel of God's love for me and His consistent presence in my life.

I am so grateful for my mom who came into my room and knelt with me. Her example set a tone for my lesson, for my life.....She turned to the Lord in moment of worry and question. There was no fear in her heart because she knew the Lord would provide and she wanted me to see that too.