Recently, someone saw my dad and mentioned some of the posts on my Instagram. This individual decided to ask "What's wrong with Emily?" My dad, who loathes social media, had no idea what this person was talking about because he doesn't have Facebook or Instagram (AND HE IS OKAY WITH IT). The person responded "She keeps talking about God and hard things on her pictures. Is she okay?"
Now, I am frustrated because I don't talk about God because of bad things. I talk about God because I believe in Him. I believe in his power and the ability to overcome all things. Of course God is helping me overcome hard and bad things because I go through hard and bad things ALL THE FREAKING TIME. It's called SATAN. It's called ADVERSITY. It's called MORTALITY.
I am NOT a perfect person. I do NOT have an easy life.
I AM a mortal. I have a GOOD life.
I share my experiences, my understandings through social media because I believe sharing my testimony is part of my purpose on this Earth. I know that sounds a little over the top, but I have a testimony of sharing testimonies with others. Whether they read my post or scroll right on by, it doesn't matter to me. The likes and shares and views mean nothing to me. If they read it, then I hope and pray that they feel the spirit of truth testify that the Lord is aware of them and that they are not the only ones going through hard things.
Now, that being said, I am going through hard things and sometimes I wonder if I am okay. Sometimes I think, "is something wrong with me?"
For the past 6 months I have been experiencing minor panic attacks. Now I read about other's experiences with them and I think "Whoa, mine aren't that intense" but I know that they are real and they can be, at times, extremely debilitating.
I get them whenever I think about the future. I had so many in a short amount of time that I started getting bleeding stomach ulcers. YIKES. NO FUN.
- grad school rejects
- waiting on grad school responses
- hating my job
- applying for a new job
- interviews
- boyfriend
- breaking up
- still no responses from grad school
- job offers
- quitting old job
- unkind friends
- thinking about moving out
- looking at apartments
- more unkind friends (these ones didn't really know they were being unkind which made me feel guilty and causing more stress)
So when someone asks MY FATHER if something is wrong with me, it hurts epically because they don't really care about me. They just want to know the details of my life and tell anyone and everyone who might listen. There is no desire to help or encourage me because I am supposed to have it all together. I am supposed to be happy all the time and be uplifting and have no problems.
I am figuring out my life. No need to worry. I am not trying to blog about my problems so I get pity comments. No worries. If someone asks me how I am doing, I will respond with "Good" because I am good. Despite the hardships in my life, I still have a good life and I am good.
It doesn't mean that I don't have problems.
It doesn't mean that I don't struggle.
It doesn't mean that I'm perfect.
It means I'm good.
So far I've read this:
https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/erin-kramer-holmes_waiting-upon-lord-antidote-uncertainty/
And this:
https://www.lds.org/blog/the-practice-of-choosing-faith?cid=FB_5-16-17_OCS_CM_BLOG&__prclt=PyDLTJhs
And this:
https://www.lds.org/blog/youre-not-messing-up-gods-plan-for-you
To the person who talked to my dad, I don't know if you'll read this and honestly, I don't even care, but I am good. And stop talking to my dad about what is "wrong" with me.
I have a Savior who loves me with all my flaws and imperfections. I try my best and I share my experiences because I want to be a disciple of Christ who can testify of His unfailing power and love that can conquer any obstacle.
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