Well, here I am. On the Sunday evening with the close of General Conference, I was reminded....hmmm, probably prompted......to write about an experience I had.
I'm writing because President Nelson's talk reminded me of this experience and Elder Rasband essentially told me I needed to write it down. So, once again, here I am. And now, here's the story:
March 2016-I woke up on Saturday and went for a run (marathon in my future perhaps??). I got back just in time to take a quick shower and then make it to a Stake Relief Society Meeting on campus. With wet hair and no makeup (typical), I ran up with 3 of my roommates. We found friends from our ward and listened to the speakers. The meeting was great and I felt very uplifted. I left by myself to go get some studying done. On the way back, I checked my emails and saw an email from a University that made my insides go literally insane!
FLASHBACK: Pretty much a year ago today, I was working on Grad school applications for Speech-Language Pathology. I had applied to 7 different Universities- ALL over the US. I repeat- 7 DIFFERENT UNIVERSITIES! That's a lot of money and time and effort and sleepless nights, but this was something I wanted and felt very strongly that I should do. Most applications were due by the beginning of the year and I was to start getting feedback around March-May time frame.
BACK TO THE STORY- I had already received 4 responses from schools letting me know that I was not accepted, but those were the lesser cared for schools....the ones in the midwest and Vermont....(ask me why Vermont and I still cannot tell you why). But this University was one that I had done extensive research into and felt very qualified for and I was SO EXCITED that I was finally finding out. I thought to myself- "I just had the best time at the RS Meeting and the spirit was so strong. This is probably going to be an answer to my prayers and I will be able to celebrate with my friends tonight and everything is going to be awesome!"
I arrived back at my apartment, sat on the bench right outside my door, opened the email.....
"Dear Emily Jex,
Thank you for applying.....BLAH BLAH BLAH.... We regret to inform you..."
That was all I read and I couldn't read any more. (*I'm like kinda tearing up right now typing this so if I make some grammatical errors, I don't apologize hah*) I was so in shock. I sat on the bench for 20 min before going inside my apartment. 2 roommates and a friend were sitting in the living room working on homework and I didn't say a word. I walked straight back into my room. I knelt down and literally began to sob. I was trying to pray, but instead I just cried. I have never cried so hard before in my life. You know how in books they describe the crying being like uncontrollable and very dramatic and something you would probably never experience in your own life.... well I'd like to think that I did. Apparently I was crying so loud that my roommates could hear me through the walls. Whoops-awkward. They came into the room and saw me. I still cried awful tears. I truly felt completely hopeless in that moment. This was supposed to be the school that I got into. Even my Dad got excited for me which is really saying something!
My sweet roommates sat with me as I continued to rock back and forth and cry. (maybe like 20-30 min...pretty much inconsolable) I wish there was a more eloquent way of putting this scene, but I'm not some fanciful writer so all you get is that I cried REALLY HARD. I think I went through almost an entire roll of TP (oh, you know how tissues were never on my shopping list in college.... WHOOPS) Finally I pulled myself together enough to explain my suffering. They were very sweet and tried to give me hope and love- to which I will always be grateful for! I asked them to go get my home teachers so they could give me a blessing.
I am still kicking myself for not writing down my blessing because once it was over, I really felt much better. I then made the dreaded call to first my mom who told me to call my dad. I let him know that the school he was rooting for was not rooting for me. Always the hopeful one, he talked about the remaining 2 universities and the possibilities there. I listened as he attempted to uplift and help me through it, but honestly, I felt nothing.
No hope.
No joy.
Nothing.
Okay a little melodramatic-I was feeling hungry and cold, but those are nonessential to the story.
It just took time. I was hoping that somebody would see me cry and take pity on me and be able to miraculously help me through it or that someone would feel inspired to call or stop by and see me and see my condition and take me out for ice cream. But I felt alone....for a bit. I went back to my apartment and attempted the prayer again. This time, I was actually able to talk. I knew that my Heavenly Father didn't want me to be sad about this. He wanted me to have FAITH.
But how?
How could I have faith when I felt so utterly depleted of all hope?
Get lost in the work. Move forward. And KEEP moving forward. Don't stop.
I promised myself that I wouldn't remember this moment because I didn't think that it would benefit me at all. All that crying, ya know?
Present time: I am currently kicking myself for NOT writing this down because President Nelson pretty much described what happened to me.
I found JOY and HOPE again.
I fell in love with my calling. I left loving anonymous notes for girls in my ward, reminding them of their worth and the importance of Faith. I threw myself into my campus job, learning new aspects of the department and attempting to be more of a leader (ummm still working on that one). When I received the emails from the remaining 2 universities that held the same answer as the rest, I knew with all of my heart that I wasn't meant for grad school this year.
Bummed? Yes.
Confused? Yes.
Scared? Yes.
Hopeful? Yes.
So when President Nelson described my exact predicament some 6 months ago, and then said we are still meant to have Joy, I fully and completely believed him.
"Saints can be happy in every circumstance. We can feel happy even when having a bad day."
To say that day was bad is an understatement. But happiness still continued. I still felt joy. I felt my Savior's love and I felt that everything would work out.
Am I doing what I want right now? Hmmm... not really, but I enjoy my career path so far. I still have no clue why I wasn't accepted to any university (lots of theories as to why....) but I am faithful in knowing that God's plan is greater than my own.
I live by the promise that Elder Holland has given: "The Lord will give you what you want, or something better."
I really wanted Grad school, so there must be something even greater in store for me.
I really do love this gospel. I love that Elder Rasband reminded me of the importance of keeping records. I want my children to know of the love that the Lord has for His children and the importance of HOPE and FAITH in every circumstance. I know that the Lord wants me to be happy and the blessing are ever flowing into my life. I know that this church, the Lord's church, His gospel is the only place to find everlasting Joy and Peace. Elder Ballard spoke of the fact that there is no other place that you can find the blessings of the gospel than in His church and through the Savior, Jesus Christ. I will not leave my loving Advocate and Redeemer. He is the reason I have hope. He is the reason I can sit on my bed and write of this experience and still feel of His reassurance that everything will be okay.
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