I'm Back!

Ok so I have been gone for a bit, but now I am back with some new thoughts.

My brother got married this past weekend. (hip hip hooray!)

I am so happy for him and his future with Greta. Yup. Her name is Greta and she is GREAT. (hee. see what I did there?) Their wedding was simple and easy going, just like them! How convenient.

Well, being at a wedding, I couldn't help but to think about what my wedding would look like.
I mean there is a big list to go off of:

• colors
• which temple
• reception place
• time
• who to invite
• photos
• flowers
• license
• the dress
• what i want my hair to look like

But talking to my mom, these things mean nothing if I don't have a man. and well, I don't have one.

whoops.

Well, why don't I have a man? C'mon, Em, get your head in the game. All your friends are tying the knot. Let's get going here.

I would, if I could.


Here are some of my thoughts as of late.

I really want a man in my life and I feel as though I am ready for one. My dating life is pretty much nonexistent so I have no idea where to even begin. Is he in my ward? Have I already met him? Was he in Nauvoo? How do I find him?
POP!
Okay, I don't need to find him. He will find me, or at least the Lord will lead us to one another. But when? When will I know if it is him?
POP!
You don't need to know.
But still, c'mon! At least lemme have some dates. Why am I not having any dates?
POP!
Men like women who are confident and smart and beautiful and witty and kind and sweet. Well, I am all those things right?


The fact that that statement was a question is the answer to a lot of my issues.

When I get ready in the morning, sometimes I feel good, sometimes I feel like crap. Well that's normal. But if a guy were to come up to me and tell me that I looked pretty that day, especially if it was a day that I felt bad, I wouldn't believe him. Why?

Because I didn't believe it myself.

That is something that I have struggled with my entire life.

It was always about my looks and the way I appeared to others. And to be completely honest, it is still that way today. Somewhere in the back of my head, I think, I need to look good according to the world's standards.

Alright. I am almost 20 years old and I still have trouble with the way the world looks at me and how I look to the world.

What am I doing about it now?
Every morning, I kneel down and say my morning prayers, welcoming in the new day, praying for positive experiences and attitudes. During the day I tell myself that I love the way I look. I don't look down at my legs and feet when I walk, but I walk with my head squarely on my shoulders. I continue to think about the goals that I have made for that day, week, month, year, etc. It keeps me hopeful for the future and it reminds me that I am going somewhere. I eat healthy and try to exercise when I can. I close my day with a prayer of gratitude and thanksgiving for the day that I had, no matter how bad it may have felt, I still find things to be grateful for.

It is not easy. But I am taking it day by day and hoping and trusting that the Lord will take care of me and my future man. (he is out there. i know it.)